I don’t know who this is for…

The Feisty One and I are back in the house that Poh Tah built. Poh Tah was the Feisty One’s father. By house, I mean the abode where his widow, daughter-in-law, and grandsons live. Not a dynasty. The trips back home are tinged with sadness and regret.

Eight years ago, Poh Tah died, literally weeks away from being able to move into the house he was building. His death was sudden. The circumstances are not clear. He was riding his scooter into town for a doctor’s appointment. It is not known why he crashed. Though he was transported to hospital, it was there he died.

         Last year the Feisty One’s younger brother took his own life

He had been weeks out from treatment for addiction. He hung himself. His wife and their sons saw the body as he hung.

          There has been healing around Poh Tah’s death. At times, there is humour, albeit morbid at times. There is profound sadness still as he is missed. The healing of the brother’s suicide has been awkward. The sort of healing that I assume those who have lost a limb experience. The wound closes, but life is never the same: never. Each of us carries the regret of what if… Obviously, it is a question that is wrought with grief.

         I don’t know who needs to hear, read, this but here goes.

Life is hard, and then we die. It is a shitty deal, I don’t know if any of us signed up for it, but it is the only deal we get. While you may have faith in God, when it really comes down to it, we only have each other. A loss of life is always a tragedy, for it leaves the lives of those around you emptier, more lonely. When we end our own lives, we have stolen from other people, our loved ones. Gone is the chance for us to be the difference in your life. Gone is the chance to pay it forward, or pay it backward or sideways. Even if you believe the only thing you have to offer is frustration and heartbreak, you are breaking the only deal we get! I am not telling you that your life may get better; that may be a long time coming. I am telling you, you make the lives of others better. You may not know it, and you may not know how, but you do. So, if you are thinking of ending your life, please consider what you are doing, for you are replacing memories with regret. You are leaving people, your people, asking themselves what they could have done differently.

I get to say this, write this, for I have contemplated ending my own life. There were dark days when I was obsessed with taking my own life. I chose life. Gratefully I had friends and a twelve-step program to walk with me. My faith was that someday I would stop feeling profound hopelessness. My faith was that if I made it through this day, the next might not be so fucked up.

So many of our faith communities hold that it is sinful to be suicidal, that it shows you are not saved, you lack faith, that you really don't believe. They need to shut the fuck up! To my mind, the dark night, week, month, or year of the soul is a process of becoming mature. Our pain, our struggle, can be from understanding how far we are from what God intended to be. It might be from being traumatized from being in this world. Almost every recovering addict I know had to deal with being suicidal. Remember, Jesus wept on occasion. 

Likewise, being depressed may be just that; being depressed. A toothache of the mind. There may be no deep dark trauma. It may be a matter of genetics. Still, there are those who will walk with you. Those who understand that emotional pain is not "just in your head." 

Find someone you can confide in. Someone who will walk with you. It might not be tomorrow, or the next, but the pain will pass. The grief of those you leave might not.

If you are terminally ill, if your disease is all that is left, that is another matter. People are not left wondering, “What if…”

 

 More than just Godly thinking

 For me it is time to take a break from the more intellectual pursuit of understanding scripture and concentrate on what is practical.

             A friend of mine, who is an atheist, and I were out for a drive. These are great times, reminiscent of the two old guys in the theatre box on the Muppets Show. We are arguing religion, I realize that I am target for such discussions. I make a comment that for me, prayer is action. Thus, if I see a person who is hungry, I can either pray for them, or take the person a sandwich. He disagrees with me, and I know he is using a very narrow definition of prayer that is often reflected in our worship. I also know that prayer alone does not fill an empty stomach.

  And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one

 of the least of these my brethren, you did it to me.’ Matt 25.40

             It amazes me, and I include myself in this, that when we say “All things were created in him” we exclude ourselves. We are all an expression of the divine. Further, we are told that where ever two are gathered in his name, he is there. Let me provide an example, so please don’t stop reading.

          I was parked in front of the local Walmart the other day, as the Feisty One went in to shop. There was a homeless guy sitting by the front door. I have seen him there a number of times. He was not begging, just sitting, People on their own initiative would bring food and drink. It is heart warming to see this happen. We need to be aware that given the current economy we are all about two days away from being in his position.

           While this is going on an Uber deposits an old lay in front of the store. She is unsteady on her feet, so she shuffles over the side of the building and puts a hand on the wall. Then she starts looking around. I know all too well what she is doing. When I was less stable on my feet, I would look for a shopping cart and use it as a walker. The homeless guy yells, “Let me get you a shopping cart.”

          The Walmart requires a dollar deposit on its shopping carts. So the homeless guy, plugs a loonie in and brings her a cart. She thanks him, and there is a small exchange, I am not sure if she gave him a loonie or not. The woman shuffles into the store, and the homeless guy goes and sits down. Enter a third person, a man, who walks up to the homeless guy. I can hear the conversation as the third person in this scenario thanks the homeless man, and gives him a handful of change. This is what is right in the world. Three people, all act with love and compassion towards each other.

         I, for one, am tired of spirituality being presented as “Personal Righteousness” and “Purity.” I really don’t think we understand those words anyway. While Jesus would have been the embodiment of “Personal Righteousness" and “Purity” it was how he treated people that was and is remarkable. This emphasis on spirituality as being the “best I can be” is bullshit unless it changes how you are with the person right in front of you. (This is still an area that I struggle, most often when I am driving.)

            It is recognizing that we, you, I, and the guy I don’t like, are all “created in him.” We have this idea that acts of compassion and love need to be grandiose to count. I don’t agree. If we all could be like the three people in Walmart how much better the planet would be.

            Anyways, that is my opinion.

I desire Mercy not Sacrifice

 

“Go and learn what this means, ‘I desire mercy, and not sacrifice.’

For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.” Matt 9.13

 

We are coming into the season of Lent. That time of the year that we reflect upon the crucifixion, death, and resurrection of Christ. This is the central aspect of Christianity. Thus, there is some truth to the perception that we are cult born of human sacrifice, and that we continue to celebrated that sacrifice through the sacrament of Communion. There are a number of things that I would like to address before I begin my own reflection and commentary on Lent, the Crucifixion, and the Resurrection.

          First, the event that transpired on Golgotha and the subsequent resurrection are not simple and straightforward. To say “Jesus died for our sins” simply reduces the events to a sound bite that excludes the significance of Easter weekend. What occurred had numerous layers, and perspectives. That is why there are essentially seven different “theories” on the crucifixion. The best we can do with any amount of authority to state that Jesus died on the Cross, it had something to do with our sins, and on the third day he rose from the dead.

          Second, the execution of Christ and his resurrection are one event in perhaps three parts. Without the execution, the resurrection could not have happened. Without the resurrection, the execution would have been just another dispsoing of an annoyance to the Roman government. What occurred between those events is a matter of speculation, but is important to consider.

          Third, we diminish the shame and degradation of Christ on the cross. The renderings of a naked Jesus are very few and far between. He would not have been clothed. The essential point of execution by crucifixion was to humiliate the condemned. There was a reason why Roman citizens were not executed in this manner. And why Paul refers a faith focused on this as “a stumbling block to the Jews, and foolishness to the Gentiles.”

          Fouth, there is no authoritative perspective on the Cross that is complete. Regardless of one’s perspective, that perspective cannot fully embrace Christ’s passion and his being raised from the dead. I have included a link to an article on the seven theories of the crucifixion below. The reason why this  is important is that I, of course, will provide an eighth perspective on the crucifixion. I do so, not authoritatively, but offering my perspective.

          Fifth, Christ’s death on the Cross was not to justify sending people to eternal punishment. In fact it was the complete opposite.

 But Samuel replied: “Does the Lord delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices

 as much as in obeying the Lord?

To obey is better than sacrifice,

and to heed is better than the fat of rams. 1 Sam 15:22

            I believe our faith needs to be able to withstand the tough questions if is to be any use. The question I ask is, who demanded that sacrifice? The standard answer is that God demanded sacrifice. I don’t buy it. Then I read Psalm 50:

            9 I have no need of a bull from your stall

    or of goats from your pens,

10 for every animal of the forest is mine,

    and the cattle on a thousand hills.

11 I know every bird in the mountains,

    and the insects in the fields are mine.

12 If I were hungry I would not tell you,

    for the world is mine, and all that is in it.

13 Do I eat the flesh of bulls

    or drink the blood of goats?

14 “Sacrifice thank offerings to God,

    fulfill your vows to the Most High,

15 and call on me in the day of trouble;

    I will deliver you, and you will honor me.”

           There is the suggestion that every sacrifice prior to the crucifixion was representative of the sacrifice that Christ would make for us. Yet, I read repeatedly in the Old Testament that God preferred obedience, love, and mercy rather than sacrifice. This is not just an obscure verse or two. The verse below echoes the sentiment expressed in Deuteronomy, one of the oldest scriptures. (Deut 10.12 & 13)

          Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams, with ten thousands of rivers of oil?

Shall I give my first-born for my transgression, the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?”

He has showed you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you

but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? Micah 6.7&8

 

          I will get to the point, we demanded the sacrifice. The sacrificial system in the Old Testament, I believe, was a concession from God as to what we think religion should be. I think the prescriptions for sacrifice were to keep us from killing each other and our kids. (Even with a number of exhortations children were sacrificed.)

          Author Fleming Rutledge contends the point of the crucifixion was to shame the condemned. In my experience, shame is much more of an issue than guilt. Guilt is about what I have done. Guilt is resolved by forgiveness. Shame is about who I have become. Shame is harder to deal with than guilt. Shame demands that someone pay a price. It is shame that kept us from experiencing the love of God.

          In the crucifixion Christ paid that price for us. In his death, as he took the punishment we believe we deserved, he cleared the way that we could approach God with confidence. Christ took upon himself the burden of our sin, our shame. But it was not God who demanded the sacrifice. It was us.

          For me, this much more humbling, much more sobering than the theories of the crucifixion that have God demanding a sacrifice. The sacrifice God preferred was our love, mercy, and obedience. For me, sacrifice, at least the kind of sacrifice we are talking of, is about taking our shame out on someone or something else. That is why I suggest, that God preferred the sacrifice of our forgiving others and ourselves.

          This is only my opinion.

 https://www.sdmorrison.org/7-theories-of-the-atonement-summarized/

Rutledge, Fleming, The Crucifixion, Understanding the Death of Jesus Christ. 2015, Eerdmans, Grand Rapids, Michigan

 Be Afraid!

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge;

    fools despise wisdom and instruction.

Proverbs 1.7

 

          My favourite agnostic and I were having lunch. I value our friendship for it has survived decades, and she is one of the few that appreciates my off-kilter sense of humour. We touched on matters of faith, in a number of ways I think she brings more wisdom than I to this discussion. She relayed a story when she had offended a woman by making comment that if you “fear god, you should get a new god.” Then added the sentiment “If you are good because you fear God, you are not a good person, you are a bad person on a leash.”

We are told to love God with all our heart, with all our soul, with all our might. (Deut 6.4) To paraphrase we are to love God with the totality of our being. This includes our imagination. I think particularly it includes our imagination. We diminish imagination as being childish, yet how much of our day is spent in imagining. Is not remembering an act of imagination? How often do we imagine giving some person that has offended us a “piece of our mind”? Is not anticipating seeing our loved ones, a good meal, or favourite activity an act of imagination. Is not great entertainment also an act of imagination? How often is our imagination focused on fear?

          Fear is a powerful force. It motivates us like little else. Over the years I have experienced fears over health issues, poverty, being alone, dying, just to name a few. The usefulness of fear is that it keeps us, some of us, from doing stupid stuff. There is a truth about fear. Fear is instinctual, and it is beneficial. In the process of evolution, those who did not experience fear often wound up being lunch. Fear drew our attention to the grasses and branches that moved. It drew our attention to the sounds that heralded danger. Our reaction to things that go bump in the night was our survival.

          Despite the teachings of Jesus to not be anxious, and John’s instruction that “perfect love casts our all fear,” we are told that “fear of God is the beginning of wisdom.” In our desire to keep God friendly, we down play the role of fear. We suggest synonyms of “awe, respect, wonder, and regard.” Then Paul and Timothy tell us to “work out our salvation with fear and trembling.”

          I think the authors of the scriptures that tell us to fear God meant it. The kind of fear that interrupts your day. The fear that keeps sleep distant from us as we lay in bed. That worry that takes the taste of food away! Our preoccupation with distress. When they wrote fear, they meant fear.

          The thing about fear, is that shows us what is of value. If we have fear regarding something, that something has value. If that thing has no value there is no fear. It is a simple as that. A parent’s greatest fear is not something happening to their selves, it is something happening to their children. For lovers, it is calamity befalling their loved one. The greater the importance to one’s life the greater the fear.

          When Jesus tells us not to worry, it is a statement of value. We are not to worry about temporal matters, “For what does it profit a man, to gain the whole world and forfeit his life?” Mark 8:36. In Matthew he seems to clarify this, And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul; rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell. (Matt 10:28) (I realize I will have to get around to addressing the doctrine of hell, but that will be later.)

          There is so much that marriage has taught me about relationships. When I think of fear of God, I think about fear of my wife. Not that she has a temper, she does, but I would never want to anger her, or hurt her, or disappoint her. During the past two decades of our marriage, some of the toughest times have been when I have messed up. While her emotional reaction can be hard; it is my emotional reaction that has been the hardest. Thus, the fear of my wife has kept me in-line with our relationship, particularly through the more challenging times but also in other ways.

Let me give you an example. I smoked my first cigarette when I was ten. There were days when some of the kids in my neighbourhood would buy a pack of cigarettes and then go riding our bikes around the neighbourhood. Since then, I smoked on and off for decades. Occasionally, I would get scared of dying a painful death from lung cancer or worse emphysema. On those times I would quit smoking, a few of those times were for two years. Always I would return to smoking; usually starting with cigars.

          One night, the Feisty One and I are laying in bed talking. She talked about how much my smoking bothered her, that she did not wanting me dying young. A few weeks later, I stopped smoking, that was over  fifteen years ago. While it may seem particularly un-Christian, the fear of my wife is a greater influence in my daily life than the fear of God. After all, I had tried to quit smoking to be a good Christian on numerous occasions.

          I think the call to “fear the Lord” is a call to love and value God.